tough realizations about myself

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steve miller

Trusted Member
tough realizations about myself

Its weird I have had one of the worst years of my live financially and personally. However, i have some to a lot of blunt realizations about my self and my weaknesses.

First off i realize i am a shallow, materialistic, and scared little prick who wastes his time worrying about juvenile shit that i think is cool For example, i constantly think of others who wronged me in my past and how if i ever see them i would pull up in my 7 series ( whihc somehow makes me better than them) with nicer shit and hotter gf and fuck them up, because somehow that will make me whole again. Im a complete joke, I am just a scared, egotistical and fragile person. I couldn't sleep for the last couple months because i will ONLY make 100k this year, which makes me feel like a failure. Also i have gotten fatter than normal so i cant even look at myself in the mirror before i go into the shower, i have to be dressed to get myself ready. I literally have anxiety attacks over this shit, i wake up in the middle of the night sweating and out of breath.

I hate my job it makes me miserable, but i cant quit because i need to make this type of money. Or think i need to. Money causes more problems in my life than anything, yet i think it is the end all be all. Right now my job is going terrible and i see no light at the end of the tunnel except for the possibility of getting a sales training role which i think i woudl like, but once again i will make less money. I also am part owner of a nightclub, which i had to buy into because it was "COOL" and thought i would be a big shot and chicks would dig me...what an ass i am..its caused me a big headache and who knows if i ever make back the large amount of money i put into it.

I am shallow fuck who only cares about myself at times. I try to portray myself as loving and caring but i am basically a leech who can suck the life out of everything around me

Its fucked up i feel like i need to lie to make myself look better around people i have known forever who could give a shit about this stuff. I debate breaking up with my chick who loves me because i don't think she is hot enough for people to see her with me. And this girl loves me and would do anything for me. Its so pathetic.

Its funny alot of people look up to me and my boys for dumb shit because of they way were are portrayed but all we are are fragile, weak individuals. Without money muscles, girls, i feel i have nothing to offer and my life has not meaning. Its truly sad when i think about it. Hopefully though now i have admitted it i can let go of it and find happiness.

But then its weird my sick mind wont let me be content and happy because i constantly think thats just being complacent and i can always be better and replace everything with better THINGS and thats my problem THINGS run my life

SOrry needed to vent..pick on me if you like :rolleyes:
 
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d-red

d-red

Active member
steve....i don`t make anywhere near that amount of money,and i`m not dwelling on it.
only you knows who you are.
it can`t be that bad. maybe you`re thinking about it too much.
 
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Carlito

Trusted Member
I understand how you feel Steve , I have taken a huge financial blow since ORD took place, I now wish I would have started what I am trying to start now a while back when i had the funds to do it, I am not doing so bad but I should be doing a lot better considering the money I have made this year up until Sept when everything went south, at least I thank God I am not behind bars and I am still able to be with my family, my heart has become more humble and I appreciate money more than I ever did. I am so deeply involved in this business is hard for me to just quit and get a job, I got a good clientele base and also legal products I can not just let go so I need to keep going forward.

Do not feel discouraged though we all learn from our mistakes and this only makes us stronger, I always been poor so when i started seeing money I went ape crazy about it, lesson learned though. Have faith in yourself and in the main man upstairs who always takes care of us who have faith in him.

I have to fallen out of shape, since I stopped using AAS nothing is the same and I started to gain body fat pretty quickly, I am though trying to control the situation and is not as easy as it was when i was on the drugs. I am done with the AAS for good though.

You are a good guy man, keep your head up.

I'll see you soon when you come to Houston :)

later

C
 
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steve miller

Trusted Member
thanks C you are a good friend. Its a sickness in of itself. I always thought money woudl buy happiness but i realize the more i make the less i feel i have and the more its consumes me

D its not the amount i make cuz no matter what it will never be enough in the way i think, unless i get help and learn to accept myself and work on my fault
 
Quasimoto

Quasimoto

Banned
Are you in PCT right now, by chance ? I don't mean that disrespectfully, but this seems to be one of the more emotionally stranger threads I've ever seen by a member.

I just got home from the gym, and have been sitting here trying to decide what I think about this kind of emote, and how to respond to it, if at all.

I thought I'd ask atleast ask if you are in PCT before saying much more....
 
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steve miller

Trusted Member
nope i've been off gear for 4 and 1/2 months...im just really depressed and fucked up the past several months. I am unhappy with me and i guess writing it is a way to release some of it and make it more "real" in hopes to accept it and mover forward in a way that will be more beneficial to my pursuit of happiness. It could be my age im about to turn 28 and thats getting to me too. Its just been a rough year and as you can see im a bit of a mess (and maybe a pussy and whiner) You can saw whatever you feel im a big boy and can handle it
 
Quasimoto

Quasimoto

Banned
So, you are just looking to vent then ? A shoulder to cry on, so to speak , or are you actually polling other members to see get their opinions on your admissions ?
 
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steve miller

Trusted Member
venting but also looking for advice/opinions

also im not sure what emotional stranger means...guess it means im fucked up..lol
 
ian smith

ian smith

Trusted Member
We all have feellings like that in one way or another,, you buy stuff nicer than things you allready have (Just a short example), I drank and popped pills,,, everyone tries to fulfill themselves in different ways,, drugs, cars, work, family,, women, even homerun titles. Its the nature of the beast, especially in todays society,, our generation has lost focus on what is honestly important,, I have no examples because Ive lost track myself..
Maybe you just need to get back to the basics and give honest thought to what really matters to you,,, example: which would hurt worse,, something bad happening to a family member or someone stealing your car (and you have no insurance)... You know whats honestly important in life, so do I,,, but I cant even type it because its a difficult concept for me to grasp.
 
juiced2damax

juiced2damax

Trusted Member
We all seem to have SOME of the thoughts that you are having...I have to say that it takes alot to put yourself out there the way you did in this thread. I think you need to get professional help. That way you can start loving yourself and therefore better the quality of life for yourself and the people whom love you and are in your life.

It just sounds like you have a load of disturbing things in your life that is un-managable for you at this time without the help of a professional to help sort out some of these things...Either way, keep your head up and it looks like you are realizing that some of the choices you made to be "cool" are a lot less important than they once were, so that's a good thing. Not sure what else to say....
 
billet5

billet5

Trusted Member
Steve,
Like it was already said, it does take some balls to put yourself out there like that. I have felt the same way over the years, when I was making 60K a year, I thought it was never enough, then I made more and more and less and less. A couple years ago, I made 280K and there was nothing better in my life because of it. I know guys that make over a million a year and can really be unhappy.

One thing that I know is the more I focus on the specific problems, the bigger they become. Trying to gain new perspective is always good for me and by the looks of it, that seems like what you are doing. One thing that ALWAYS helps me to find some humility in my life is helping other people. Honestly, just trying to be of service. It may seem kind of silly but there are many great men and women of our lifetime that dedicated their life to being of service to others. I am not willing to spend all my time doing that or even a large portion honestly but doing it from time to time really can put my head back on straight. They say to get self esteem, do esteemable acts. Anyway, this probably sounds kind of lame but just thought I would give some of my perspective....
 
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Baldspot

Trusted Member
Steve,

Have you ever read the first paragraph in the serenity prayer?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

You can change some of these things you don't like about yourself Steve. You just have to get the courage up to do it and face the outcome.

I also agree that seeing a professional at least once wouldn't be a bad idea. It couldn't hurt.
 
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steve miller

Trusted Member
Hey guys thanks for the advice. I want to also put out there I am pretty sure i have Seasonal Affect Disorder. Everytime around this year I get pretty depressed and im not sure why

Steve-o funny you say that about the serenity prayer i say it many times a day. Was the first prayer i ever learned. My pop pop owned and ran a drug rehab in jersey in the late eighties before he died. I ask God for help every day, but many times i think I ask for the wrong thing.

I know it sounds like im a stones throw away from the Funny Farm, hell maybe I am, but I have learned this year it is ok to ask for help, and to all the guys that lent advice I thank you greatly. also, I will be seeking professional help. I am tried of letting my anger and fear consume me. (Im also tired of being a whiny bitch,lol)

Billet, you are a very good dude and very wise, I think one of the things you said stood out the most to my situation. I feel the need to help others (i need to help myself first before i can truly help them i think) but I need to feel like I made a difference. I just need to buck up the courage to to take a step to make that change and make a difference
 
billet5

billet5

Trusted Member
steve miller said:
Hey guys thanks for the advice. I want to also put out there I am pretty sure i have Seasonal Affect Disorder. Everytime around this year I get pretty depressed and im not sure why

Steve-o funny you say that about the serenity prayer i say it many times a day. Was the first prayer i ever learned. My pop pop owned and ran a drug rehab in jersey in the late eighties before he died. I ask God for help every day, but many times i think I ask for the wrong thing.

I know it sounds like im a stones throw away from the Funny Farm, hell maybe I am, but I have learned this year it is ok to ask for help, and to all the guys that lent advice I thank you greatly. also, I will be seeking professional help. I am tried of letting my anger and fear consume me. (Im also tired of being a whiny bitch,lol)

Billet, you are a very good dude and very wise, I think one of the things you said stood out the most to my situation. I feel the need to help others (i need to help myself first before i can truly help them i think) but I need to feel like I made a difference. I just need to buck up the courage to to take a step to make that change and make a difference
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If its me and it requires me to work on myself, I usually procrastinate until I am in enough emotional discomfort to do it. I always feel better when I am proactive in doing something about how I am feeling. Dont wait for the courage, just simply think about what you can do to help someone else out. Even if its just making extra effort once a week to be there for your nephews or whatever. A lot of people dont even consider the stuff you originally were talking about, they just continue living that way thinking its the way its supposed to be. Its admirable for you to even be evaluating those things about yourself.
 
Toyoda

Toyoda

Trusted Member
Ha I was a Douche Bag @ 1 time had a sweet job in Miami made lots of cash,
had lots of shinny shoes, nice suits, versace ties, hot shallow wife,,,

Then 1 day I woke up I thought to myself I hate these assholes & wanna be coke whores I am hanging with,,,,
So I got back to basics found my real friends again, started riding my motorcycle, lifted hard, took all my fancy dancy clothes to goodwill.

I dont live to fit in with the "in crowd", make lots of $$$$, read the book getting stoned with savages it will change your outlook on life,,,,


Self-pity


I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.

David Herbert Lawrence
 
.!.

.!.

Member
wow, steve. your post is deep

i think we all have gone through something like that at one time in our lives.

peeps who get a taste of what its like to have a lot of money and materialistic things would say its very hard to go back and it does consume your life.

years back, i was rollin high, i had cars, big house, spent money on whatever id like and lived the life of a rock star

long story short, made a bad biz. decision and lost a lot, had to sell off cars, live in an apartment, get a full time job doing something i did NOT enjoy doing.

my wife and i at the time would have to pack our own lunches, not eat out, only buy gifts during holidays, ect.

now we were not homeless, but a huge contrast from the way we lived before. it really grounds you, you realize what its like to work hard for what you need and that rock star lifestyle just fades

today, we are doing a lot better, own our own home again, starting a new biz , ect and are around our friends and family which is most important.

hang in there buddy and vent whenver you need to
 
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steve miller

Trusted Member
yeah d thats true..did you get my pm from last night. Also, i am feeling ok today I got a pm from a member that really helped and then i went and did something simple that makes me happy. I took my favorite person, my dog abby, to the park and watched her play with two boxer puppies it was great
 
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